До свидания, Comrades! Steven Seagal Is Here To Break Your F**king Arms For Mother Russia.
Also, he talks about geopolitics
Donald Trump was convicted of all 34 counts in his hush-money trial today, but everyone’s already writing about that and honestly I’m all out of jokes about Trump. That material’s been beaten to death, beaten some more after that, tenderized into a fine misty goop, and probably sprayed onto his face every morning.
It’s been weird having a former president of the United States sleepfarting his way through a federal trial involving paying off a porn star with campaign money to not talk about Trump Tube Steaks and their disappointing portion size. There’s no denying that. This is the sort of thing that would have ended up in the National Enquirer back when most people still knew it was 90% made-up bullshit and not one of the main drivers to kickstart the whole Trump for President campaign because they wanted to sell tabloids goddamnit what timeline are we in? Why did they have to shoot the fucking gorilla?!?
Anyway, enough about that, because I want to talk about this guy:
Steven Motherfucking Seagal.
Vladimir Putin trotted Steven Ironmonk Lethal Goatee Seagal up in front of cameras to accuse Ukraine of everything from organ trafficking to drug smuggling to Nazism in an absolute fever-dream of a speech. He did all this while looking like someone tried to cross-breed a monk and a child molester and managed to fuck it up despite it already being the worst idea that person ever had. It’s like God anthromorphized disappointment and the result was terrible for everyone even though that was the point.
If you’re older, you may remember him as the guy who broke the arms of everyone in every movie he starred in in the 80s, mostly for fun and because the scripts were just a bunch of Post-Its that said “cop who rebels against system that doesn’t allow arm breaking“, “growl at camera”, “break more arms”, and “more fucking hair gel”. He also teamed up with a Playboy Playmate to sodomize a bunch of hippie terrorists and a North Korean submarine with a battleship gun in what was probably the most coherent film he ever made.
We’re not starting with a high bar here, basically. No worries. This man is a master of limbo. Not literally, because he is now 70 percent blubber and hair products. Metaphorical stuff, like self-respect, decency, and fashion sense.
Let’s talk about Steven Seagal: Lawman.
At some point Steven Supercop Armfucker Seagal (film version) became convinced that his passion in life was Backing the Badge and hilariously became an actual cop. I’m not the first person to make fun of this by a long, long shot. Tom Segura did a whole bit on it. There was an article on Cracked (remember those guys?) back in 2009. Bagging on Steven Bonecracker Gruntyfuck Seagal’s law enforcement career is probably something I can’t even do without plagarizing someone at this point, but it’s still funny as shit because somewhere in Louisiana some fucking guy thought “you know what would be a great idea? Let’s bring in renowned Hollywood actor and compound fracture specialist Steven My Scalp is an EPA Superfund Site Seagal! We can learn how to go Above the Law and fistfuck crime On Deadly Ground before putting hospital trauma wards Under Siege! Fuck yeah! Cop kick!”
You can check out the show if you’re really bored and want to watch a semicoherent moron grunt his way through domestic violence disputes and traffic stops. I don’t suggest it, but maybe you just hate yourself or you’re loaded up on meds and they make you do dumb things. I’m not judging. You do you.
For most people, this is about as dumb as celebrity gets. They take the L, become the butt of a few jokes, get caught doing something mildly felonious or say something racist and blame it on Ambien, and maybe end up with a couple of unflattering mugshots or droopy Depressed Ben Affleck style photos in a “where are they now” clickbait article.
However this is Steven My Ponytail is a Registered Deadly Weapon in 35 States Seagal. Things get so much weirder.
Steven Seagal fatly emigrated to Russia. Did I mention that Steven Seagal, 7th degree master of Aikido and Grand Master of the Traumatic Fracture Social Club, is fat as fuck? I’m not one to bag on the fatness of people for the most part, as I’m from America and probably shouldn’t throw stones in my own sort of fat glass house, but it’s worth mentioning here. This is because, after fatly emigrating to Russia, he went all in on being Russian. He fatly became a Russian citizen, has fatly cozied up to Vladimir Putin, and is now very fatly a “humanitarian envoy of Russia to the United States and Japan.”
What exactly he is supposed to do as a humanitarian is not very clear. I suppose he will tell poverty and injustice it’s Marked for Death? Then he’ll break its limbs, because that’s how shit goes in Seagal land.
This next part deserves italics and capital letters.
HE’S ALSO TRAINING RUSSIAN SOLDIERS NOW. FATLY.
Yes. Slack-jawed recruits headed for one of the bloodiest and most destructive conflicts since the Second World War are getting training from Steven Limbsnapper Planetoid I Seagal. What he is supposed to train your average mobik in before they go to the frontline is honestly probably better imagined than learned. Aikido-throwing kamikaze drones? How to make your scalp into a portable napalm dispenser? What the best camera angle would be to grunt a one-liner at before getting squashed by a tank turret returning from low-orbit? I’d love to hear more.
Anyway, if you didn’t believe we live in a simulation, you probably should now. Not just a simulation, but a shitty version of Grand Theft Auto where a 13 year old edgelord is just running around screaming racial slurs into the group chat while running over hookers to save himself game money. His name is probably something like CockLord69 and he is our god now. Worship your new master and give an offering by subscribing (it’s free).